A Better Understanding of God's Frustration

My beloved mother, in fact, all of my family left me today. They've gone camping in central Oregon and won't be back until late Friday. This is both good and bad for me, because it means I've got the house to myself. Good because there's nobody around to bother me. Bad because there's nobody around to chaperon me. It's a lot harder to have a cute boy over for a tongue wrestling tournament (come on, tell me that's not original! oh... wait...) when the chance of getting walked in on by your seven year old sister is about 87%. Even so, I think I'll be fine. Cute boys haven't exactly been beating down my door recently, so I've nothing (real) to worry about. None of this though, is the point of this post.

My mother asked to me to fill her role as Den Leader while she was gone. No problem. I can go to Big Bears meeting and help them through some crafts. I mean, seriously, I deal with kids all summer long. An hour on Tuesday night should be a cakewalk, right? Wrong.

The other Den Leader (I guess they were co-leaders or something) had planned to build tool-boxes at the meeting, and had brought wood and nails. The cheapest, crappiest nails I have ever seen were in that box. If you give kids aluminum nails, they will bend and break them before they get anywhere near the wood. She also had them bring their own hammers. An absolutely splendid idea. Except that one kid brought this tiny little ball peen hammer that was absolutely useless for driving nails.

I stopped counting how many kids I told, "hold the hammer like this" "swing the hammer like this" "come down at it straight and flat" "put some force behind it" etc... It didn't matter, they didn't listen. I've done more carpentry in the past half decade than most people have in the past three! And they're kids for crying out loud. Aren't they suppose to listen and respect or something? Anyway, I swallowed my frustration, brought them fresh nails (though from the same cheap box), reset their boards, and just kept on giving them fresh starts. Why couldn't I just do it for them? Because as a real boyscout, I couldn't do a requirement for a kid. Not to mention I think that every good man should know, or at least have known at some point in his life, how to swing a hammer properly. It's not like it's hard... If you don't know, I'd be more than happy to teach you. It only takes a minute and you'll be saying, "duh, I knew that, I just didn't think about it" as soon as we're done.

Anyway, I think that I have a slightly better appreciation of the way God must feel now. He wants us to learn and grow, and He wants us to do things on our own with only minimal help from Him. To this end, He has supplied us with infinite nails and self-healing wood which He tirelessly puts back in the right position for us to build. And sometimes He gets a little fed up and tries to remind us how to hold the hammer, how to swing it, how to do lots of good and important things. But He never does it for us. He promised us our agency, and He respects it so much that even though He could live our lives for us a thousand and twenty seven (or so) times better than we can, that He just won't do it. Agency, that greatest of gifts, must lead to such frustration that I can't imagine bearing it. But He doesn't get angry. Even when He's holding the nails for us and we hit His thumb with the hammer, He stays calm and loving. That is why I love Him. Not because He created this world for me to live on, or because He put me in a (pretty) good family, but because He loves me and respects my Agency.
-Stephen.
P.S.
Please don't assume I'm leaving the church or anything. This was a testimony building experience.
-Stephen
P.P.S.
I'm also going to talk to my bishop tonight. I don't know what about, he wanted to talk to me... There might be a second post today, depending on whether it's anything interesting or not.
-Stephen

A littlfe fire never hurt anybody... permanently...

While reading comments over at a few various blogs, and even commenting every now and then, I've noticed that some people, including myself, tend to get a little bit spiteful in their ardent advocation against an apparent assailant. Obviously, I'm not in a position to say, "Stop it, you apes!" or any other such thing, but if I were, rest assured that I would. Rather than give you a long lecture that nobody would read about hurt feelings and such, we're going to have an "also sprach Stephen" moment.


I love you all. Even those of you I haven't met. This is a big time problem of mine, that I give my heart away so quickly, but really, truly, I do care about each and every one of you. I'm not saying that I want to start a relationship with any of you or anything, so please don't read that into this. I want you all to know that when I see you suffering, I feel that with you. I hope that you all sort of feel the same way about each other.

We will always have different opinions than one another, and that is a part of life. But if I may, I'd like to encourage you to not spite another moho because of his views or opinions on something, or because of a decision he's made. Or a mistake. I'd also like to encourage you not to declare anybody "not a moho." At least for these purposes. It's rather akin to listening to a humanist argument and then saying, "well, it doesn't apply because these things aren't people. Accordingly, I just want to say to you, oh valued reader of my blog, that I do love you. I love you notwithstanding your status in the church, I love you regardless of whether you've ever kissed a boy(or girl!), I love you even if you have tasted the forbidden waters, and I love you even if you haven't. I love you if you're a republican, a democrat, a green, a libertarian, a communist, a federalist, an independent, a political apathetic, or anything in between. I love you if you comment on my blog, and I love you if you read in silence. I love you if you check my blog for updates religiously and I love you too, oh first time reader. If this isn't your first time and you managed to not get addicted last time, I doubt this post is going to sway you, but that's OK because I love you anyway. Jerk. (j/k)

Alright, that's about as sappy as I get. Who wants a hug?
-Stephen

P.S.
I didn't do a very good job of communicating that I wanted that to apply to EVERY MoHo, not just the guys. Especially the I Love yous. I'm going to resist the urge to rip off V for Vendetta and talk about how even though I ma never hug you etc... but yeah.
-Stephen

Power, Pleasure, and Pain

The same thing can take different forms for so many of us. It can affect each of us in such a different way that it's difficult to believe that it can be the same thing. I'm still debating whether this post is going to be philosophical or about my testimony, the latter being a subject I've touched on only extremely briefly and passingly in this blog. I guess that's partially because of the weakness of it, but I don't know for sure why I haven't talked about it much.

What I want to talk about today is the church, and the way it affects each of us. This is a kind of touchy issue for some, but I shan't conceal my feelings. By their fruits ye shall know them. Matthew 7:16-20.
I suppose I'll start things off with all the good that the church does. For many, the church is a source of power. It gives us what we need to make it through the day. It gives us something to hold on to. I love the church for that, for the power that gives me to do good in the world.

For some, the church is a source of pleasure. When we live the gospel, we (usually) feel happy, and things (usually) go well for us. How could anybody argue with such a proposition? All you have to do is neglect all your earthly desires, or fulfill them, depending on the person, and eternal happiness is yours. This deal is effective immediately, although there might be some minor interruptions to the service occasionally.

And then, for a select few of us, the church is a source of pain. I think that most of us have felt this side of the church before. That agony associated with it. The pain that comes when we try to reconcile both our homosexuality and our membership in the church. The pain that we feel when we hear people who are members in good standing say such horrible things about us, or about any minority. The pain that we feel when we read "The Miracle of Forgiveness."

We know the church by it's fruits, and we know that a good tree cannot bring forth bad fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Yet the fruit of the church seems to be both. The church produces both humanitarians and warlords, both men of love and men of cruelty, both love and hatred come as a result of the church. How then can we judge it? If not by the test provided in Matthew, then by what means are we to know? How can we act with any degree of certainty?

We all just want to do what's right. I just want to do what's right. I only wish that I knew what it was that was right. If I knew, it would all be easy. If I knew for a fact that the church was true, I could let go of my earthly desires. I really could. Conversely, if I knew for a fact that it wasn't, I would go and get myself into a big gay relationship right now. I probably wouldn't even wait until morning.

It's the lack of knowledge that paralyzes me, as it paralyzes so many others, and leaves us wondering... "what if?" Whichever choice we make, we'll always wonder "what if?"

Clear Sound Reason

My blood is at a slightly elevated temperature this fine morning, so forgive me if I come across as slightly harsh or absolute in what I'm about to say. I may reconsider and edit after church, but it's not likely because I tend to find my own prose too beautiful to edit. I'm just warning you in advance, I might come across as a little steamed because, well, I am.

Sometimes, people in the church who are untrained in logic and other systems of reasoning get themselves into debates that they cannot win, mostly because their arguments are based on absolutely nothing, bad research (as in, a source that analyzed five anecdotes and called itself a study), false statistics, or a baseless presumption (these ones usually proceed to make many more baseless presumptions throughout the argument, with no attempt at logically justifying any of them.) As soon as you take the right block out of their Jenga tower, their entire case falls apart because they really only had one contention (with many sub-points) to begin with instead of multiple separate ones.

So what do they do when they realize that they have gotten themselves in over their heads? They have a few options to choose from.

My personal favorite is to pull out a scripture or saying from the prophets and abuse it until it fits into the situation at hand, acting as though it had always been meant to be used in exactly such circumstances. I was once told that because the D&C says we had (at the time of writing) "enough and to spare" of natural resources that we shouldn't worry about things like conservation and Recycling, and that it was OK to waste.

Some people like to say, "Well, I've enjoyed talking about this with you, but I can see that you are just trying to silence my opinion!" or "I'm really not interested in re-evaluating my position on this issue." I'm not trying to silence your opinion, I'm trying to get you to re-evaluate. And if you weren't interested in re-evaluating, you shouldn't have gotten into the debate in the first place. What do you think the point of a debate is?

The one that frustrates me the most is this one. "I think that this conversation is just bringing a spirit of contention, and I don't like the way it makes me feel. We need to stop now." This argument is fair if the conversation hasn't gotten very far and neither side has built a solid case yet. I understand that a lot of people are made uncomfortable by what they perceive to be contention. As a debater, I had to learn that if you get mad at everybody who says that you're wrong and points out holes in your reasoning and the logic in your cases, you won't have anybody to hang out with at tournaments. But I can still see how others get unhappy and feel attacked. Even so, you know how it makes you feel at the beginning. Stop it at the beginning, not deep into the debate when all the points are out on the table and you see how ridiculous/hopeless your case was to begin with.

Of course, there will always be other tricks, but these methods of pulling out of a debate you're losing continually make me want to hurt people. I mean, come on. If you can't hack it, don't get involved is all I'm saying. If you're going to get into a debate, be prepared to stick it all the way out. And if your case isn't built on clear sound reason, then maybe you really do need to re-evaluate. I promise, it doesn't hurt much. Just a quick sting when you realize that something you may have taken for granted your whole life might not be true, and that's all the pain there is.
-Stephen.

P.S.
I finally beat FFXII! Now I'm debating whether to (re)play through IX (my favorite) or V, or Chrono Trigger. Or anything else that I have lying around. Yay for video game culture.

Waffles

You know, I've never understood the English verb, to waffle. I mean, I understand what it means to waffle, but I don't quite get why. I like waffles. But wafflers are bad? It's all a bit confusing for me... And I really don't think it's because of the whole bilingual thing. Really, I just think it's confusing.

Anyway, this post is about me, and my propensity to waffle. You see, I was afraid of what would happen if I had a major situational change during a paradigm shift, but I'm starting to think that's just a rationalization for my immense propensity to waffle (hereafter PTW). As most of you know, a month ago I was pretty Gung-Ho for the church. It was what I wanted. I liked the way it made me feel, and I was happy when I was doing church related stuff. And I really felt like people within the church understood me. And by people within the church I mean you guys. That was a major player. But now, things aren't looking quite so lush. The temptations to just go out and get laid are stronger than I can really explain, especially since it's Portland and a one-night stand is just a craigslist post away. A full time relationship could be started just be spending some time at Starbucks, or going back to my old high school and hitting on guys at GSA meetings.

A few conversations with some very good friends has gotten me over thinking that I'm an inherently bad person for it all. If you took part in one of those, you know who are. Thanks. Seriously, thanks. What I've realized in the past couple of days is that I seem to have an abnormally high PTW. I'm not quite solid on what the source of it is, but it's there. And the thing that confuses me the most is: it's the issues that I feel the strongest about that I seem to waffle on the most. Talk about confusing.

I let this sit as a draft for a long(er) while, and now I think I'm ready to finish it. I no longer believe I have an abnormally high PTW. We all say it differently: Brady doesn't know where he wants to go, Gimple doesn't know where he belongs, iWonder is constantly torn between the desires of the church and himself. That's just to name a couple; I think all of you have expressed at some point or other some sort of confusion about what to do. My real problem is that I pretend to be decided when I'm really not. Even though I might feel completely decided for a couple of days, as soon as the event that polarized me begins to fade in my memory, I go back to middle ground. Or even further.

So, what to do? I'm not exactly sure. I know that presidents Monson and Uchtdorf are men of God. I can say that with only the most minimal and negligible of hesitations. Somehow though, that doesn't translate into the church being true and infallible, which is a step most Members in Provo seem to have made. On the flipside, I'll out and say it: I like sex. Sorry to any offended, shocked, or anything otherwise people, but that's the way it is. I like sex. With other guys. I also like relationships that don't involve sex, because it makes me feel like there is something more to live for. The problem? Most gay relationships seem to absolutely abound with sex. The relationship becomes nothing more than the fulfillment of physical passions and desires. I don't want that. And hereto is the dilemma.

I must choose, on the one hand, between a church that may or not may not be true, but has leaders that radiate an energy unlike anything describable, and on the other a lifestyle that has yet to offer me anything other than temporary fulfillment and fun. The one offers to fulfill my needs for the rest of eternity at the cost of my needs for the now; the other offers me all the satisfaction I could want for the rest of mortality, and nothing in the hereafter. Surely there must be a way to have them both? Happiness, fulfillment, joy, satisfaction, etc. in both lives? Why must the choice be between the one and the other?

On Purpose

I really want to thank everybody that reads my Blog, even if you don't comment. You have, I'm sure, ten million things to do with your day, and the fact that you see it fit to take some of your valuable time to read my blog is really, really warming for me. So, thanks. I'd also like to say that if your blog is in the list on the left of my blog, I check it religiously for new posts. Pretty much every time I sit down with my laptop, I instinctively check those blogs, even if I don't comment. I love you all.

One of my problems is that sometimes I'm too rational for my own good. In light some interesting developments in the past 48 hours or so, it seemed like it was time to blog. I'm going to preface what follows with, "I'm not suicidal." You needn't worry about me in that regard. I don't like sharp things touching my skin. Bullets count as sharp. I'm also too fond of breathing to try some other methods, and my fear of heights that I strive so hard to hide keeps me from jumping off a bridge. All the poisons I have easy access to would kill me in a really unpleasant way or give me too much time to think about it and change my mind... Clearly, I'm out of options on that one, so suicide has to be out too.

Well, Kevin and I really aren't working out... He's really too young for me, and even though we have tons and tons in common... He's really too young for me... And he doesn't have a job... I can't afford a relationship where I pay for everything. :) But even if he did have a job... He's really too young for me...

I've had a lot of time to think while I've been waiting for my starting day at work, and I've asked a fundamental question to which I have no good answer. What am I doing here? I don't just mean Oregon, I mean here. Here, as in on earth, alive. I'm a goal oriented person. If I have some kind of goal to work towards, I could build and level empires. But here I am, sitting without a goal. I mean, I have some short term goals, pertaining to money and other nightmares, but they're short term. In the long run, what am I doing? Really, even in the short run, what am I doing? I'm going to the gym, I'm creating a whole new Stephen, but what's it accomplishing? So that I can make even more girls swoon when I read vegetable poetry? Seriously...

Well, the answer is: I don't know. I feel, purposeless. Almost all of my friends are stuck in school until summer; even the college aged ones are still away at school. Working out is producing favorable results, but I'm not really accomplishing anything. And it makes me tired and sore. So, what do I have to live for? I've spent the last 18 years living, and overall it's been an enjoyable experience, but how long can you really do something without it getting redundant? I'm not overcome by some great overwhelming sadness or anything, I just don't see why I'm bothering anymore. It doesn't seem like my existence is really improving anybody else's life at all, or like I'm advancing toward any kind of goal or anything.

It's not like I need constant progress to say that I have a purpose: even just hanging around with friends is improving their quality of life (hopefully) and that's enough of a purpose to hold me over for a while. But when I look at it, I can't see myself getting married to a woman. Since there does not exist an X such that X is unmarried and X is in the highest level of the celestial Kingdom, I can't see myself there. Since there does not exist and X such that X is not in the highest level of the celestial Kingdom and X becomes a god, I cannot see myself ever reaching that goal. And it kills me. Knowing, then, that this goal is forever beyond my reach, where does that leave me? What is my motivation? I can't find one. That's what I need.

I need a motivation. Some higher something that I'm trying to fulfill, some higher ideal that I'm striving toward. Gosh, these posts are therapeutic sometimes... But knowing what I need doesn't give it to me. Maybe, hopefully soon, I'll find a motivation. Until then, I get to sit in this limbo. I'm not motivated to do anything self destructive. I'm just not really motivated not to. I don't know... maybe this is all more effort than it's worth and I should move on to the Chicago plan. I'd thought that would only serve me in an emergency, but now it's looking quite tempting just as a change of pace...

-Stephen

It's May! It's May! The Lusty Month of May!

Every now and then it's important to focus on something besides that issue which clouds up most of our thoughts and issues. This blog will try to do that until the very end, where I have a couple of things I need to unload. Anyway, for those of you who know me moderately well, you know when I'm not out Boyscouting, my job is in the theatre. As a result, I try to keep myself well read in terms of plays and musicals so that I can keep up with any conversations. I also like to keep up on history (because it changes so often!). Between it all, I've noticed some trends.

Almost month, almost every season, almost every everything seems to be an excuse to go out and get laid! From Camelot, we have the title of my post. Isn't that an interesting song? Rogers' and Hammerstein's give us, "June is Busting Out All Over" from their musical, Carousel. The song is one giant, nasty innuendo. Gross. Did you know that Hl.St. Valentine's day was actually placed on the same day as an old Roman sex holiday, which was itself selected because of a correlation to the birds mating season? Back to the theatrical, "Summer Love" from Grease seems appropriate to the conversation at hand. As does the concept of a "Spring Fling" although I don't have a catchy song to cite here.

So, why is it that people feel the need to blame their thoughts and actions on something else. Or do people actually become more, erm, "active" in the spring and summer? I mean, if it were just May, or just June, or even just Summer, I could understand it, but half the year now seems to be dedicated to having sex... Maybe we need to tone it down... Maybe we need to have a summer not-love song, or an, "It's May!, It's May! The Celibate Month of May!". But then, I guess that probably wouldn't sell as well, would it?

Now on to complications in my life, that I'm really less than thrilled about. Yesterday I found out that I am both loved and hated. I mean, I've always had a fan club and people that dislike me, but it's usually a professional thing because I was so good at debate. To see that anybody has actually developed a hatred for me as a personal, private citizen is more than moderately upsetting. Especially since that somebody is my little brother. Yeah, we'll call him James.

I asked him yesterday why he was so angry since I'd gotten back, and he said to me, "I hate you, I think you're a pompous jackass, and having you home is like torture for me. I don't want to talk about it." For the record, Merriam Webster, which I really dislike, told me that "pompous" means "magnificent, splendid." I guess that's kind of cool. I can be a splendid jackass, I guess...
We talked a little, but eventually he closed up. This morning, he asked me if he could start working out with me. I think the kid's Bipolar. You don't tell somebody you hate them and then ask if you can work out with them... at least, most people don't...

Kevin and I had a long conversation yesterday. He understands that I can't, and won't, have sex with him, no matter how serious we get. And he seems to be wholly kosher with that. The problem is that he later slipped out the "L" word. For fear of judgement, I don't want to get into all the specifics of that conversation, but I have no idea what I'm going to do now... I really would like to not have to stop spending time with him, but I can see that he's taking me in a direction I don't want to go... At least, I don't think I want to go in that direction... Ungh...

On Surrender

I'm really not sure where to start this post. I guess I'll start it with saying that I haven't crossed the nebulous line. Although I'm really not sure where that line is, actually, I'm 99% sure that I'm still safely on this side of it. But here's the thing: I don't know how I feel about it all. I see so many of you married and happy, and I wonder if I can have that. I wonder if I can have a meaningful, romantic relationship with a girl, like so many of you do.

See, the problem is, I don't think I can. When I kiss girls, it's the application of a refined science, and it's fun because it's kissing. When I kiss boys it's something else entirely. I mean, it's still that, but it's more than that. It's like... like sitting next to a warm fire and getting all warm. No... that's not quite right... It's like diving into a cool lake on a warm day, the way you kind of feel completely immersed and tingly all over... That's still a bad example... maybe I should give up on this trying to describe it thing... The point is, it's not the same.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I can stay true to everything in the short run, and that's fine. But in the long run, I don't know how anything will turn out. And it's scary. Consider: If failure is certain, why attempt? I mean, I feel impressed that the church is the right place for me to be right now, and when I listened to Elder Uchtdorf speak, I felt the spirit. I've sat only a metre and a half away from President Monson, and I can swear to you, without any hesitation whatsoever, with every fiber of my being, that he is a man of God, possessed of a spirit so powerful that it extends beyond him, touching everything around him. I practically expected flowers to crop up around his shoes wherever he walked, and I felt like I would live forever, and like everything around me would live forever. But...

I'm not ever sure what the but is... My objections don't make sense. If I know that these men are men of God, then how can I not be kosher with what they say? If they say I shouldn't let cute boys sit on my lap, then how do I rationalize it? I don't know. I can see ways of rationalizing it, but nothing I couldn't tear apart with three main contentions and an eight minute speech. That means, of course, that I'm being irrational, something I hold to be inherently bad. The problem is, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to convince myself that my lap doesn't make a good chair. Or even if I should. I have objections there that I can't tear down with a 3 contention, 8 minute speech...

The obvious thing to do would be to not see Kevin again. He will, at some point, want to take any kind of relationship that isn't purely platonic well past the line. So clearly, I need to just cut it off here and now. But I don't want to. I like having him around. He's laid back, he's not bad looking, he's funny, mature, intelligent... All of these are attributes that I like. And yet, after my shocking discovery that I do in fact love the church...

I guess I understand a bit more what you guys go through now. See, before I was going to leave the church anyway, so a relationship didn't matter, and wasn't really causing any kind of internal conflict. Even a relationship at BYU with another Mormon guy wouldn't cause that much conflict, because I wouldn't have to worry about being expected to put out at some point or anything. But this is just... a feeling that I don't like. I don't like it at all. I want two things, and I can't have them both. It's made all the more complicated by that fact that even though I want to stay with the church for now, I struggle to picture myself still with it in half a century, when I'm old and grey.

This has gotten longer than I meant it to. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I hope I'll find it. I hope I'll find it soon. On another note, I'm going to Woodburn tomorrow to visit the Aeropostale and Pacific Sunwear outlets. Expect descriptions of more interesting preppy clothes, and hopefully soon some pictures. And I got a job today. 8USD/hour to build computers, and as close to 40 hours a week as he can give me without having to pay benefits. Actually, today was pretty exciting, but it all seems kind of pointless in the shadow of this issue. I'm not to the point of self loathing yet, but I do think that I can empathize with some of you a little bit more now...

-Stephen

The Jabberwocky

As I was whining to a very good friend of mine today after my 310 final, she asked me a pretty simple question that set me off in a complete different direction. "What does vorpal mean?" I stopped dead in my rant, stumped. I'd heard the word before, one of Lewis Carroll's drug induced ramblings in "Through the Looking Glass," but I honestly had no idea what it meant. So, I employed some research skills. I looked it up in OED, MW, and Dictionary.com. The final one had an entry, "deadly" but it didn't justify the definition, and all it said about the etymology was the Lewis Carrol had made it up. I wasn't satisfied, so I tried wikipedia, which gave a pretty lame answer saying that it was an adjective indicating an enhanced ability to behead. So, where to look next? JSTOR. No dice. So, if anybody has any idea, with a decent justification, what "vorpal" actually means... I'll bake the first person to give me a good answer one of my chocolate experiments. Or maybe a pumpkin experiment. I'll let you decide.

Anyway, I took the opportunity to read the classic poem, "The Jabberwocky," where the word is first mentioned. And I realized something. I want a Vorpal Blade. Something that I can just use to go "One, Two! One, Two!" and "Snicker Snack" to remove the challenges and obstacles from my path. I would have loved a vorpal blade for my 310 final. Another one for my 330 final would be even hotter. I could snicker snack the head off of any jabberwock, and it would be great. Instead though, I've relegated myself to actually having to work through challenges, and to deal with things on my own.

We all have jabberwocks in our lives. Little things that keep us from going out and doing the things that we want/need to do, from living our lives to the fullest. Sometimes we blog about it. Sometimes we aren't so eager to allow certain aspects of ourselves to be seen. Some people are clingy, and need to be in constant contact with other people. Some people aren't initiators and get left out of what everybody else is doing. Some people convince themselves that the reason their non-initiator friends don't initiate contact with them is because their friends don't want to talk to them, or that they themselves are somehow deficient. And there will always be that voice in the back of your head saying, "beware the jabberwock." For the most part, that's what we do. We refuse to challenge these parts of ourselves and overcome them.

Somewhere, there is a vorpal blade for everybody to slay their personal jabberwocks. Somewhere, we can find the strength and tools to overcome these parts of ourselves. But that isn't easy, and for some of us, the journey seems long and arduous. Some people seem to have it all made and taken care of. For the rest of us, we just keep trekking, and maybe, someday, hopefully, we'll be able to appreciate ourselves.

Oh, and I had a Pomegranate Paradise at Jamba Juice today. It was to die for. So tart, yet so sweet, and just so good. And it's an all fruit smoothie so it's (kind of) good for you!

RT: This House would hold a weekly MoHo FHE

My Neg cases are always better than my Aff cases, and this is no exception. It’s not awful, but it’s not my best work. If anybody has a Neg case to throw against this, I’d really love to see it. Obviously, I think I’m right, but I admit the possibility that I’m wrong.

And as a side note, unless I’m reading it wrong, going on dates doesn’t seem to be against the new revised honor code. Any thoughts on that?

Definitions:

This house => The Provo Moho Blogosphere

Hold => Cause… to occur

MoHo FHE => Special interest group FHE aimed at the MoHo community to emphasize the Mo in MoHo.

1. By holding our own FHE, we grant ourselves the ability to regulate the activities that take place at it.
1. It has been proposed that, were we to hold this FHE, people would be “hooking up left and right.” But what is to stop another body from creating an FHE group where such activity is encouraged? By having our own group, where such activity is not encouraged, we discourage the formation of other groups with lower standards.
2. Creating our own group gives us absolute control over what takes place there. We can encourage high standards, and can even specifically discourage any activity we choose, in a loving, caring manner, helping us to keep each other on a good, righteous path.
2. By holding our own FHE, we can use this as a tool to find others who are in the area and think they are alone, bringing them into a caring support system where they can have friends who really, truly understand what they’re feeling.
1. I cannot speak for all of you, but I myself was in a not so great spot until I found you. I wasn’t thinking about suicide or anything like that, but I wanted to get as far away from this place as quickly as possible, and never return. I was going to never tell my parents, I was probably going to end up leaving the church, and it was just going to be that way. But then one of you found me, and I met more of you, and if you read my other posts, you can see the good that’s been done. I want that for every good LDS male who happens to like other guys, and this is just one way we can give it to them.
2. While our main goal would not be outreach, every soul is of invaluable worth. If we can fine and keep just one on the straight and narrow as a result of this action, I would say that it was worth it. If we can give just one person hope, then it’s worth it. If we can prevent just one suicide, or even just one person from cutting, it’s worth it.
3. Often, a regular FHE situation can become extremely uncomfortable, because at least in my experience, there is never a shortage of people who seem to think that “God hates fags!” or some other such nonsense. It also sometimes feels like the lessons don’t really apply to us, or that they even sometimes seem targeted against us.
1. In holding our own FHE, would could avoid this kind of uncomfortable situation because we would never have any kinds of lessons or opinions voiced that may cause us to feel alone, unloved, and unwanted.
2. Although we wouldn’t want every lesson to be about it, we could focus on things that we could never focus on in a regular FHE, like living a gospel centered life in light of our homosexuality. That said, we would not want to focus on it.

For these reasons, I strongly encourage you to vote with the affirmation