Sunday, February 22, 2009
Clean
For everybody who read my last post, at this point it seems that I'm clean. It's been well over a month and the tests aren't detecting a viral load or any presence of the P24 antigen. Thank you very much for your support. :)
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Seroconversion
Seroconversion is the most frightening word I know of. I'm undergoing what's called a scare right now. I've been exposed to the virus, albeit in a manner very unlikely (about 1/4000) to transmit. I've also started PEP via Retrovir and Epivir, a combination which has an 80% success rate in preventing transmission in high risk scenarios. Having said all of this, I don't think I've ever been this frightened in my life. The word seroconversion, whether I seroconvert or not, will likely haunt me for the rest of my life...
Monday, November 26, 2007
Emotional Maturity
A long conversation with Ishmael today revealed a few things that I believe about maturity. You see, I pride myself on being somebody who is "mature," without ever bothering to define that nebulous concept. I should probably start at the very beginning.
Ishmael is not a perfect person. Nobody is. He has his own quirks that could make even the most dedicated of pursuers reconsider his merits. One such is his immense fear of commitment. While it naturally has a roost in a series of difficult life events, it's still remarkably frustrating. It was while we were discussing such things that I had this epiphany about maturity. I once believed that it was placing the needs of another above yourself, and always being understanding.
Now, I understand that that is incorrect. Maturity means looking out for yourself as well, and acknowledging that at a given point, you cannot continue to be understanding; you have to ask for yourself as well. Achieving this balance where you can both understand and be compassionate while still asking and being honestly deliberately forward is what I would call a perfect end goal for emotional maturity, and I hope it's where I'm headed right now.
Ishmael is not a perfect person. Nobody is. He has his own quirks that could make even the most dedicated of pursuers reconsider his merits. One such is his immense fear of commitment. While it naturally has a roost in a series of difficult life events, it's still remarkably frustrating. It was while we were discussing such things that I had this epiphany about maturity. I once believed that it was placing the needs of another above yourself, and always being understanding.
Now, I understand that that is incorrect. Maturity means looking out for yourself as well, and acknowledging that at a given point, you cannot continue to be understanding; you have to ask for yourself as well. Achieving this balance where you can both understand and be compassionate while still asking and being honestly deliberately forward is what I would call a perfect end goal for emotional maturity, and I hope it's where I'm headed right now.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Call him Ishmael
Well, maybe not quite. A far better literary representation of him would probably be... well, I can't think of a good one. Sufficeth to say that I've found myself a boy. He's... intoxicating. Different than anybody else I've ever been with. We'll call him Ishmael though, just because it's what I want to use.
I met him a couple of weeks ago at work, just smiling and stuff, and then he gave me his number and things went from there. We hang out a lot, anymore, and every time I come away from spending time with him I feel elated. I like the way he makes me feel.
Anyway, this would be the latest update in the life of Stephen would be the entry of a new character, and hopefully Ishmael is around to stay. I'm not quite sure how to say that we have sex, so I'll just out and say it. He's pretty much the best lay of any boy I've ever been with, although not the best kisser. Trainable though. The big thing that kind of bugs me about him is his massive fear of commitment. I mean, his last boyfriend hurt him pretty badly, but even so. We've been dating for almost three weeks now, and we're still not boyfriends, rather "namelesses." I don't like that. At all. Commitment without a title is still commitment, but... just not the same.
Anyway, I guess the point is that a part of my new life here in Florida will very well involve a love life with a boy, and hopefully that boy is Ishmael.
In other news, a friend of mine and I were discussing renewing the underwear conversation, so that the merits of CK Trunks versus A&F Boxers could be debated. Which do you prefer for yourself? For another boy?
-Stephen
P.S.
I like that fact that being a Moho whore is considered better than being a Homo...
-Stephen
I met him a couple of weeks ago at work, just smiling and stuff, and then he gave me his number and things went from there. We hang out a lot, anymore, and every time I come away from spending time with him I feel elated. I like the way he makes me feel.
Anyway, this would be the latest update in the life of Stephen would be the entry of a new character, and hopefully Ishmael is around to stay. I'm not quite sure how to say that we have sex, so I'll just out and say it. He's pretty much the best lay of any boy I've ever been with, although not the best kisser. Trainable though. The big thing that kind of bugs me about him is his massive fear of commitment. I mean, his last boyfriend hurt him pretty badly, but even so. We've been dating for almost three weeks now, and we're still not boyfriends, rather "namelesses." I don't like that. At all. Commitment without a title is still commitment, but... just not the same.
Anyway, I guess the point is that a part of my new life here in Florida will very well involve a love life with a boy, and hopefully that boy is Ishmael.
In other news, a friend of mine and I were discussing renewing the underwear conversation, so that the merits of CK Trunks versus A&F Boxers could be debated. Which do you prefer for yourself? For another boy?
-Stephen
P.S.
I like that fact that being a Moho whore is considered better than being a Homo...
-Stephen
Monday, October 8, 2007
Parliament House
So, being completely out and open down here, I let some of my friends convince me to try going to a gay club. They warned me, "It's kind of trashy, and you'll come home smelling like cigarettes." (I haven't had one in about a week, by the way.) I went anyway, last night. Trashy didn't begin to describe the Parliament House. It was... gross. Like I kind of expected to slip in thrown up beer and semen. Needless to say, I was remarkably uncomfortable, and rather than going to the dance floor took to being a wall flower.
The trashiness got worse. People started dancing (trying to be seductive) in front of me. I avoided eye contact. One of them was old enough to be my father. Eventually, my friends noticed that I wasn't having a great time, and they asked if I wanted to step outside. The courtyard took trashy to a whole new level. There was a built in seedy seedy seedy motel that was a part of the club. They actually built an f-ing motel for one night stands and hook ups at the club. Entertaining as it was, we decided to leave. We drove around for a while looking for the much nicer gay club, "Pulse", but we didn't find it.
I don't know if I'm ever going gay-clubbing against after that. They tried to convince me that it was just an awful night at Parliament House, but I don't know. Talk about a bad first impression... My new chapter is sure as hell not going to have anything to do with a one night stand hookup from a club.
The trashiness got worse. People started dancing (trying to be seductive) in front of me. I avoided eye contact. One of them was old enough to be my father. Eventually, my friends noticed that I wasn't having a great time, and they asked if I wanted to step outside. The courtyard took trashy to a whole new level. There was a built in seedy seedy seedy motel that was a part of the club. They actually built an f-ing motel for one night stands and hook ups at the club. Entertaining as it was, we decided to leave. We drove around for a while looking for the much nicer gay club, "Pulse", but we didn't find it.
I don't know if I'm ever going gay-clubbing against after that. They tried to convince me that it was just an awful night at Parliament House, but I don't know. Talk about a bad first impression... My new chapter is sure as hell not going to have anything to do with a one night stand hookup from a club.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Closing a Chapter
I think it's time we had a frank discussion. If you read my blog even though I've left the church, I really do appreciate you. You are a part of what makes the church such a good thing, and you probably cared about me more from the start anyway. If you're planning on stopping reading now that you know for sure I'm gone, I understand. The premise just isn't as exciting. A gay Mormon at Disney World has potential to be a sitcom; a gay guy at Disney World is pretty much normal.
I think it would be worth it to talk for a little while about life, and not as in an update in my current events. Life is constantly drawn against a book in analogy. I'm not sure it's the best one ever, but it'll do for now. You all have had many and various chapters in your lives, done interesting things, and basically just lived. The past couple of years of my life have been filled with a pervasive duality that took everything I had to offer to maintain. I'm ending that, but I'd like to write a bit about it first.
When I was sixteen, I had my first espresso. I liked it quite a bit, but I didn't fall in love. That came with the second one. It was my first deliberate move against what I'd learned in the church. Contrary to what I had always been promised, it didn't make any decrease in my health and I actually started doing better in my individual events at tournament.
Later that year, a boy told me he loved me. I didn't know what to do, and I ran with it. He taught me how to kiss, and he was pretty good at it himself. Later, he wanted a show of commitment that was more than I was ready to give, but I gave it anyway. Unlike with coffee, I fell in love with sex on the first time.
I went back to the Fatherland again that summer, I was seventeen at the time. I fell in love with beer. I also decided I was never going to start smoking, after a single drag off of a poorly rolled and stale cigarette. That lasted a whole year. I returned from the fatherland and met a boy who wanted to use me for my body. And I was OK with that.
I enjoyed a year of hell at BYU. Hell is probably not quite a strong enough word, but it'll do. I went to church almost every week, in spite of my unconfessed sins. All to make my parents happy. Toward the end, I met all of you, and I decided that I was going to stay. I reneged on that one pretty quickly too.
My summer was filled with beer and cigarettes, although I made it the whole time with only a cup or two of coffee. It was also filled with a lack of church. You know the story from there, mostly.
I hope that this gives you some insight into my decision to leave the church. I got tired of lying to pass PPIs, I got tired of sitting for three hours listening to a message I neither cared about nor believed in. I could write a rather scathing report of how the church is untrue, but I doubt that it would appeal to my average reader. I'd even go so far as to say that I could beat any of you who wanted to try to argue the point with me, but I don't feel like it and it would be antagonistic.
Regardless, it's time for this chapter to close. I've been happier since I've decided to leave, more fulfilled. I'm back on the market for a boyfriend though. Rather messy situation that I don't want to get into in the blog. I'm sad that with the close of the chapter, I have to close out several characters. I don't want to say goodbye to any of you. Let's not if we don't have to. There's a whole new chapter ahead, and who knows where it might lead. I hope that some of you might read on, as I begin a new chapter in the life of Stephen.
-Stephen
I think it would be worth it to talk for a little while about life, and not as in an update in my current events. Life is constantly drawn against a book in analogy. I'm not sure it's the best one ever, but it'll do for now. You all have had many and various chapters in your lives, done interesting things, and basically just lived. The past couple of years of my life have been filled with a pervasive duality that took everything I had to offer to maintain. I'm ending that, but I'd like to write a bit about it first.
When I was sixteen, I had my first espresso. I liked it quite a bit, but I didn't fall in love. That came with the second one. It was my first deliberate move against what I'd learned in the church. Contrary to what I had always been promised, it didn't make any decrease in my health and I actually started doing better in my individual events at tournament.
Later that year, a boy told me he loved me. I didn't know what to do, and I ran with it. He taught me how to kiss, and he was pretty good at it himself. Later, he wanted a show of commitment that was more than I was ready to give, but I gave it anyway. Unlike with coffee, I fell in love with sex on the first time.
I went back to the Fatherland again that summer, I was seventeen at the time. I fell in love with beer. I also decided I was never going to start smoking, after a single drag off of a poorly rolled and stale cigarette. That lasted a whole year. I returned from the fatherland and met a boy who wanted to use me for my body. And I was OK with that.
I enjoyed a year of hell at BYU. Hell is probably not quite a strong enough word, but it'll do. I went to church almost every week, in spite of my unconfessed sins. All to make my parents happy. Toward the end, I met all of you, and I decided that I was going to stay. I reneged on that one pretty quickly too.
My summer was filled with beer and cigarettes, although I made it the whole time with only a cup or two of coffee. It was also filled with a lack of church. You know the story from there, mostly.
I hope that this gives you some insight into my decision to leave the church. I got tired of lying to pass PPIs, I got tired of sitting for three hours listening to a message I neither cared about nor believed in. I could write a rather scathing report of how the church is untrue, but I doubt that it would appeal to my average reader. I'd even go so far as to say that I could beat any of you who wanted to try to argue the point with me, but I don't feel like it and it would be antagonistic.
Regardless, it's time for this chapter to close. I've been happier since I've decided to leave, more fulfilled. I'm back on the market for a boyfriend though. Rather messy situation that I don't want to get into in the blog. I'm sad that with the close of the chapter, I have to close out several characters. I don't want to say goodbye to any of you. Let's not if we don't have to. There's a whole new chapter ahead, and who knows where it might lead. I hope that some of you might read on, as I begin a new chapter in the life of Stephen.
-Stephen
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Of Sheets and Foreskins
I was having a conversation with a good friend last night, and I was extremely tired. Accordingly, I could only focus on a couple of things and had awful ADD. The two recurring themes in this conversation were sheets and my new boyfriend's foreskin. I really really really want new sheets. If I could spare it, I would probably drop around 400 on new sheets. But then, who can spare that? I don't even know why I brought that up, seeing as how it has very little with what I actually intend to talk to you about.
I had a conversation the other day with somebody who once called us boyfriends for a day. He had always told me everything, given me the privilege of seeing his inner workings. For a few weeks, though, he had been rather withdrawn (at least from me), and I believe he had been avoiding me. I managed to corner him one night when he was so bored that he decided to talk to me. He had, it turns out, discovered a lie I had told him several times, of a very serious nature. Whether I had hurt him badly, or simply angered him by doing so I don't know, but I know that since he found out there has been a marked change in his attitude toward me. He told me that the goodbye we said that night didn't have to be the last one, but I think we both knew that it wasn't true. He's avoided me since.
The thing that I question is whether he's been avoiding me because of the lie, or because of my recent lifestyle choices. Either way, I do miss his friendship, but don't anticipate ever having it again.
I've lost all track of days, but I'd say about a week ago now, Jay and I went on our first date. Jay is a kid I know from work, who's from the UK. We started "going out" a couple days ago. We were going to go to Fantasmic tomorrow, but then he asked me to Cirque du Soleil instead. Needless to say, I'm stoked. I love Cirque du Soleil.
Anyway, I suppose that's about as much as you all care to hear about. I'm generally well and happy, and enjoying my life. All goals that I had when I came here. I'll try to post about an actual issue at some point in the future.
-Stephen
I had a conversation the other day with somebody who once called us boyfriends for a day. He had always told me everything, given me the privilege of seeing his inner workings. For a few weeks, though, he had been rather withdrawn (at least from me), and I believe he had been avoiding me. I managed to corner him one night when he was so bored that he decided to talk to me. He had, it turns out, discovered a lie I had told him several times, of a very serious nature. Whether I had hurt him badly, or simply angered him by doing so I don't know, but I know that since he found out there has been a marked change in his attitude toward me. He told me that the goodbye we said that night didn't have to be the last one, but I think we both knew that it wasn't true. He's avoided me since.
The thing that I question is whether he's been avoiding me because of the lie, or because of my recent lifestyle choices. Either way, I do miss his friendship, but don't anticipate ever having it again.
I've lost all track of days, but I'd say about a week ago now, Jay and I went on our first date. Jay is a kid I know from work, who's from the UK. We started "going out" a couple days ago. We were going to go to Fantasmic tomorrow, but then he asked me to Cirque du Soleil instead. Needless to say, I'm stoked. I love Cirque du Soleil.
Anyway, I suppose that's about as much as you all care to hear about. I'm generally well and happy, and enjoying my life. All goals that I had when I came here. I'll try to post about an actual issue at some point in the future.
-Stephen
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