I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just start typing and hope it doesn't come out too horrible. I've been on a real hiatus from the church for a while now. As you know, I became an elder back in June, but since then I haven't really done anything. And that kind of includes going to church. I guess "haven't really done anything" is a little unfair though. The truth is, I've made quite a few changes in my life, and most of them aren't the kind that I would expect you to approve of. The thing is, none of my non-member friends seem to care. I mean, they care in a certain respect, but they don't hassle me about it and they don't change the way they act toward me at all. So I suppose the question would be, would it really be any different between us?
Would it really be any different if I had started enjoying beers again? Would it really be any different if I smoked? Would it really be any different if I stopped self-identifying as a Mormon? Would it really be any different if I went back to having sex with men? Would we still be friends, who saw each other the same way?
The first two started back at camp. I'm not addicted to either, I just happen to like them both. I haven't had a drink in a couple of weeks now, but you get the idea.
Last Night, I was home alone and the Missionaries came to the door. I live in a gated complex with 24-hour security. I cannot tell you how much it pisses me off that they were in the complex. They said I wasn't the person they were looking for, unless I maybe happened to be a member of their church. I lied, and said I wasn't. They offered me some insecticides, and I chewed them out because they're bad for the environment. They asked if I had a place to go to church on Sunday, and I said I wasn't the religious type. They told me that if I changed my mind, their church was right down the road and that lots of pretty girls went there. I told them I was gay and they left. It was pretty remarkably awkward, but the point is that I told a bald faced lie when asked whether I was Mormon or not. Or was it? Am I anymore? I don't know...
I still haven't had sex in quite a while. And it's driving me crazy. It's everything that I can do to hold back, and I'm not sure why I'm doing it. My hot gay roommate is driving me nuts, but he's not the only one. So many gay guys do this program... and so many of them are really good looking. I'm strong enough to keep myself from coming on to anybody, but if they started coming on to me it would pretty much all be over.
The moral of the story? I don't know... I guess it's that I'm really feeling some antipathy toward the church right now. It would be so easy to just not go back... So easy... I doubt I'll go back to church before January. I forgot to mention that I'm way way way behind on tithing. The word January made me think of Tithing Settlements (in a round about way). I'm pretty sure that if these are the things that determine my success in the next life, I'm screwed. I just want out. I wish that nobody in my Family had ever even heard of the church. I wish that I could be free from the constant second guessing of myself and the uncertainty of it all. It's not just being Mormon and being Gay that's hard to balance. It's being Mormon and living a life that's full and enriched in which I do everything that I want to... That's the one I'm sucking at... And I just want out. I want to be able to say, "I quit" and have it all end... But it doesn't work that way, does it?
If I weren't Mormon, would it really be any different?