Saturday, October 6, 2007

Closing a Chapter

I think it's time we had a frank discussion. If you read my blog even though I've left the church, I really do appreciate you. You are a part of what makes the church such a good thing, and you probably cared about me more from the start anyway. If you're planning on stopping reading now that you know for sure I'm gone, I understand. The premise just isn't as exciting. A gay Mormon at Disney World has potential to be a sitcom; a gay guy at Disney World is pretty much normal.

I think it would be worth it to talk for a little while about life, and not as in an update in my current events. Life is constantly drawn against a book in analogy. I'm not sure it's the best one ever, but it'll do for now. You all have had many and various chapters in your lives, done interesting things, and basically just lived. The past couple of years of my life have been filled with a pervasive duality that took everything I had to offer to maintain. I'm ending that, but I'd like to write a bit about it first.

When I was sixteen, I had my first espresso. I liked it quite a bit, but I didn't fall in love. That came with the second one. It was my first deliberate move against what I'd learned in the church. Contrary to what I had always been promised, it didn't make any decrease in my health and I actually started doing better in my individual events at tournament.

Later that year, a boy told me he loved me. I didn't know what to do, and I ran with it. He taught me how to kiss, and he was pretty good at it himself. Later, he wanted a show of commitment that was more than I was ready to give, but I gave it anyway. Unlike with coffee, I fell in love with sex on the first time.

I went back to the Fatherland again that summer, I was seventeen at the time. I fell in love with beer. I also decided I was never going to start smoking, after a single drag off of a poorly rolled and stale cigarette. That lasted a whole year.

I enjoyed a year of hell at BYU. Hell is probably not quite a strong enough word, but it'll do. I went to church almost every week, in spite of my unconfessed sins. All to make my parents happy. Toward the end, I met all of you, and I decided that I was going to stay. I reneged on that one pretty quickly too.

My summer was filled with beer and cigarettes, although I made it the whole time with only a cup or two of coffee. It was also filled with a lack of church. You know the story from there, mostly.

I hope that this gives you some insight into my decision to leave the church. I got tired of lying to pass PPIs, I got tired of sitting for three hours listening to a message I neither cared about nor believed in. I could write a rather scathing report of how the church is untrue, but I doubt that it would appeal to my average reader. I'd even go so far as to say that I could beat any of you who wanted to try to argue the point with me, but I don't feel like it and it would be antagonistic.

Regardless, it's time for this chapter to close. I've been happier since I've decided to leave, more fulfilled. I'm back on the market for a boyfriend though. Rather messy situation that I don't want to get into in the blog. I'm sad that with the close of the chapter, I have to close out several characters. I don't want to say goodbye to any of you. Let's not if we don't have to. There's a whole new chapter ahead, and who knows where it might lead. I hope that some of you might read on, as I begin a new chapter in the life of Stephen.



playasinmar said...

Like silk, some friends are pretty but when tested are found to be utterly lacking in strength.

These friends, unvirtuous fabric, are not worth wrapping one’s self up in.

MoHoHawaii said...

In or out of the church, it's you who are ultimately responsible for your life. Go for it!

In fact, one of my issues with the church is that it has a we-know-best attitude that causes people to avoid responsibility for their choices.

The conventional wisdom is this: If the church says I should do it, then it's by definition the right thing to do even if it makes absolutely no sense in my situation.

I never attended BYU, but I think I can understand where you are coming from. My mission was excruciating.

Anyway, best of luck to you.

P.S. I like beer, too. Lose the cigarettes. :-)

iwonder said...

I had no idea Stephen that you were leaving/had left the church.

And yes, lose the cigarettes. I have had the unhappy opportunity of kissing someone who smoked. Let me tell you, it's not pleasant.

Anyway, I look forward to talking to you soon. Sorry I wasn't online when you messaged me the other day.

Bis dann.

Abelard Enigma said...

I'm not going anywhere.

And, I agree with the others - lose the cigarettes. I mean, I'm envisioning Micky Mouse with a cig hanging out of his mouth - and it's not pretty.

Personally, I would lose the beer too - that stuff's just nasty (and yes, I have tried it, one of the 'advantages' of being an adult convert to the church).

Hidden said...

Good luck with the new chapter. I just wonder after the brief text(s)...that never received replies... if I am to be one of the characters closed out of your life.

And as far as the cigs go, you do what you think is best. You like em, smoke em. You don't, whatever.

Screw other people's judgments.