Saturday, April 21, 2007

On My Week

I don't even know where to start, so I guess I'll just type something and use that as the beginning. Tuesday night, I hung out with a whole bunch of people from the MoHo blogosphere, and it was a real blast. I felt good about myself, and happy, and I just had a really good time. And then there was this kind of silent period. Nothing Happened. I was OK with that, for a day or two. I needed to focus on my studies and catch up on some things, and it was overall not a bad thing. But. When Friday came and the extent of the contact I'd had with anybody that lived more than 500 but less than 20,000 feet away that didn't have something to do with the alternative commencement was a brief message on my facebook wall, I was more than a little worried. Had I made somebody angry? Was I just not cool enough to hang out with everybody? Was I somehow defective in terms of my new friends?

See, I have this thing about calling people without anything to talk about. There are very few people that I really feel comfortable calling just to shoot the breeze. Especially when it's hit and miss with who's taking a final and really doesn't want their phone to ring or what. So I was kind of a recluse. I just curled up in my little ball and read about all the fun stuff that everybody else was doing that they wrote about. And I wondered some more. Had I made the right decision in telling UO that I wouldn't be joining them in the fall? Why was everybody else enjoying waffles and giant pop-tarts and stuff while I was just sitting at home on the couch with textbooks? And I mean, you can't just ask people why you're getting left out. If you even are getting left out, for that matter, and it's not just a figment of your imagination.

The reasonable conclusion to draw is that it's an oversight. People either just make an honest mistake and forget to call you, or they conclude that you must be busy with something else more important. But, when we're feeling left out, we don't come to the reasonable conclusions. I guess I shouldn't say "we" I should say "I". I tried to convince myself of the reasonable conclusions. I had seen very little evidence that could even be construed as people absolutely loathing me, and it wouldn't make any sense at all for me to just conclude that they did. But, I decided that that had to be it. I must have taken an argument too far, or not been outgoing enough, or let an awkward situation get too awkward, or let my unreserved side out for too long.

Despite my best efforts, I convinced myself that the reason nobody was calling me and everybody was having fun without me was that they didn't like having me around. Forcing myself on them would have, of course, only made matters worse. So there I was, sitting on my couch, believing that nobody wanted to do anything with me, and not wanting to be clingy and make matters worse, I didn't do anything about it.

Friday night, I called my friend Kara and we had a nice, long conversation about how she was the only person that called me with any regularity. She was able to (kind of) convince me that I wasn't as bad as all that, and that it was OK. I went for a long walk, and I almost called on Drex, but it was late and I figured he'd be asleep. Besides, I didn't have anything to say anyway. I was just feeling dejected. So I walked back to my apartment and went to sleep instead.

Saturday was a little different, but not too much in the beginning. I woke up around noon, and went for another walk. Once again, I almost called on Drex, but without anything to say it seemed like I was only creating more potential for an awkward situation. I went home again, and I saw on my facebook it said that I was invited to a Mean Girls and Boba party. I was relieved and excited, and I confirmed my attendance. Then I looked at housing options for the coming fall. I think that I may live at Roman Gardens, but I haven't completely decided yet.

Then I walked around the far east side, because I don't do that very often, and I ran into Hidden. He took me to see the boyscout museum, and I was really excited, but it was closed. <./tear> Anyway, I won't bore you with the details of the walk. 7:45(ish) came around and we went and chilled with Drex for a while before the party, and I felt vindicated. There was nothing to hint that I had done something to make him mad, and nothing to hint that I had done something to make anybody at the party mad. In fact, it was a right party. Had a great time. I think everybody there did too.

I guess the moral of the story is that I need to call people more. Calling on people can be majorly awkward if they're in the middle of something important, but just calling shouldn't be that bad. I'm making it a personal goal to not let this week repeat itself, and the next time I'm feeling left out, I'm going to call somebody and do something about it. I think that wanting to hang out with friends more often than once every four days isn't unreasonable, so that's what I'll do. If you get a phone call from me in the next little while saying, "Hey, are you doing anything tonight?" or something like that, don't assume that I want to go out on a big date or anything. It just means that I'm tired of studying and want to get out and do something.

If anybody actually read that all the way to the end, thanks.

-Stephen.

4 comments:

drex said...

Aw, sad. You definitely didn't do anything to offend any of us, that I know of. It's been busy, and I, for one, have been absent-minded because of finals, work, moving, and wedding planning stresses. The funny thing is that we weren't planning to do anything with anyone from the beginning of last week until the beginning of May because of all the stuff we have going on, but a lot of these things just coalesce on their own and we just roll with it. Mean Girls was pretty last-minute, but it turned out alright.

This week we've got Heroes on Monday night. The show starts at 8, and we'll be setting up a bit before that since we don't want any distractions while it's actually going on. Other than that, unless you want to help clean or pack up my apartment, there probably won't be much hanging-out time. We'll see, though - maybe something will randomly coalesce. :P

Stephalumpagus said...

Hey I felt really bad about not being able to hang out yesterday--I absolutely hate finals--but it had nothing to do with you! I get like that too, feeling like I've done something because no one talks to me...I'm sorry you felt like that this week! Glad the party was fun though. Sad I couldn't go--I was actually on a date (for once!)! Haha. Hope your week goes well. Call me anytime. :)

The Hidden Gay said...

Dearest Stephen,

1. I see where we stand. "the boring details of our walk..." Fine then, lamesauce. But IMHO our walk was great. We saw train tracks, and crazy carnys, and the ghetto. There should be a whole post devoted to our walk.

2. We don't hate you, you are being irrational. Like Drex said, nothing was planned until after Cali. Pop Tarts and waffles just happen spur of the moment and we weren't consciously excluding anyone.

It's not like we sit around and say let's have a waffle party. Okay who should we not invite? Oh yeah! Stephen! Um, sorry. I'm not a bitch like that. If it's an actual event, you know I'll always invite you.

~Hidden

Kengo Biddles said...

1. How dare you steal a page out of several of my journals. You've described points in my life to a T. I think I've felt exactly as you feel.

2. You're always more than welcome to call and see if between work and school Miki and I can fit you in. (I guess it would have to be an e-mail.)

3. Trust me, calling someone in the middle of something important is not nearly as embarassing our friend Flargin who would call us in the middle of ... reading books and eating cookies.

He. Would. Do. It. Every. Saturday. For. Months. Even. After. We. Told. Him. That. He. Was. Interrupting.

yeah.

THAT'S embarassing.

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