On Surrender

I'm really not sure where to start this post. I guess I'll start it with saying that I haven't crossed the nebulous line. Although I'm really not sure where that line is, actually, I'm 99% sure that I'm still safely on this side of it. But here's the thing: I don't know how I feel about it all. I see so many of you married and happy, and I wonder if I can have that. I wonder if I can have a meaningful, romantic relationship with a girl, like so many of you do.

See, the problem is, I don't think I can. When I kiss girls, it's the application of a refined science, and it's fun because it's kissing. When I kiss boys it's something else entirely. I mean, it's still that, but it's more than that. It's like... like sitting next to a warm fire and getting all warm. No... that's not quite right... It's like diving into a cool lake on a warm day, the way you kind of feel completely immersed and tingly all over... That's still a bad example... maybe I should give up on this trying to describe it thing... The point is, it's not the same.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I can stay true to everything in the short run, and that's fine. But in the long run, I don't know how anything will turn out. And it's scary. Consider: If failure is certain, why attempt? I mean, I feel impressed that the church is the right place for me to be right now, and when I listened to Elder Uchtdorf speak, I felt the spirit. I've sat only a metre and a half away from President Monson, and I can swear to you, without any hesitation whatsoever, with every fiber of my being, that he is a man of God, possessed of a spirit so powerful that it extends beyond him, touching everything around him. I practically expected flowers to crop up around his shoes wherever he walked, and I felt like I would live forever, and like everything around me would live forever. But...

I'm not ever sure what the but is... My objections don't make sense. If I know that these men are men of God, then how can I not be kosher with what they say? If they say I shouldn't let cute boys sit on my lap, then how do I rationalize it? I don't know. I can see ways of rationalizing it, but nothing I couldn't tear apart with three main contentions and an eight minute speech. That means, of course, that I'm being irrational, something I hold to be inherently bad. The problem is, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to convince myself that my lap doesn't make a good chair. Or even if I should. I have objections there that I can't tear down with a 3 contention, 8 minute speech...

The obvious thing to do would be to not see Kevin again. He will, at some point, want to take any kind of relationship that isn't purely platonic well past the line. So clearly, I need to just cut it off here and now. But I don't want to. I like having him around. He's laid back, he's not bad looking, he's funny, mature, intelligent... All of these are attributes that I like. And yet, after my shocking discovery that I do in fact love the church...

I guess I understand a bit more what you guys go through now. See, before I was going to leave the church anyway, so a relationship didn't matter, and wasn't really causing any kind of internal conflict. Even a relationship at BYU with another Mormon guy wouldn't cause that much conflict, because I wouldn't have to worry about being expected to put out at some point or anything. But this is just... a feeling that I don't like. I don't like it at all. I want two things, and I can't have them both. It's made all the more complicated by that fact that even though I want to stay with the church for now, I struggle to picture myself still with it in half a century, when I'm old and grey.

This has gotten longer than I meant it to. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I hope I'll find it. I hope I'll find it soon. On another note, I'm going to Woodburn tomorrow to visit the Aeropostale and Pacific Sunwear outlets. Expect descriptions of more interesting preppy clothes, and hopefully soon some pictures. And I got a job today. 8USD/hour to build computers, and as close to 40 hours a week as he can give me without having to pay benefits. Actually, today was pretty exciting, but it all seems kind of pointless in the shadow of this issue. I'm not to the point of self loathing yet, but I do think that I can empathize with some of you a little bit more now...

-Stephen